Love

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“Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.”

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Aida’s State of Mind

“I shouldn’t have called you!”

Those were your last words when you called me last Tuesday. You accused me of comparing you with my ex-. This really surprised me as I had not mentioned a word about him, neither was I thinking about him.

“I shouldn’t have called you!”, you said. And yet, less than an hour later, you were constantly calling me, and then the next day, and the day after that, and every day right up to today. Were you wanting to apologise? Of course not. I am always in the wrong and you’re always right.

You had the audacity to turn up at my flat last night. Were you expecting me to be lured back, to be charmed once again as you thought it worked before so it would definitely work for the 100th time? Were you intending to say sorry? Of course not. You do not have any reason to be sorry. I am always in the wrong and you’re always right.

You put down the phone on me. Once again, I was in the stage of regret. I was asking myself over and over again why I had to endure such abuse from you. You do not seem to realise it. From your point of view, I am in the wrong and you’re always the good one. From your point of view, your family, your children and your ex-wife are ganging up on you, that you are unloved by them, that your children despise you more often than not. That you’re a pushover, that you’re the one who’s suffering, not them, not me.

I regret that I have given you so much power over me. I regret having to be in that awful mood of self-pity whenever you shout at me, every time you verbally abuse me.

I regret crying over you every time you get mad at me for not paying attention to what you want me to do, for not agreeing with you.

I am mentally exhausted from you. I need help because you have caused me to be in this mental state.

I am not nasty. I do not have a nasty bone. But you make me feel like I am the most meanest person there is. My friends do not understand it why you would always regard me as the nasty one. Neither do I. You have abused the power you have over me. It is I who allowed you to do that. I allowed you to make me as your “punching bag” everytime you’re unhappy with your children, with your ex-wife, with your family. It’s because I was the only one left. Your ex-wife, your children, your own family, they all have abandoned you. I was the only one you had.

I tried my best to understand you. I have always given you the benefit of the doubt. My messages, such as this, depict my mental and emotional stability and yet you do not seem to understand it. I do not wish to further degrade myself from where I am now. I am trying so hard to heal myself and I am really finding it difficult.

I am begging you. Let me go.

You shouldn’t have called.